Never Have I Ever

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-09-30T14:38:00

2009-09-30T19:53:53Z

I really want to fall sobbing into the arms of doctor hilarius when he tells oepida, in reference to her troubling fantasy:
"Cherish it!... what else do any of you have? Hold it tightly be its little tentacle, don't let the freudians coax it away or the pharmacists poison it out of you. Whatever is is, hold it dear, for when you lose it you go over by that much to the others. You begin to cease to be."

but nobody can ever say anything, really. REALLY.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-09-25T14:30:00

2009-09-25T19:38:37Z

i keep writing:

when you touch me,
you drive all the terror from my body.

and then
crossing it out
and then writing it again.

which is appropriate
i guess

since all i think about is
how best to fight the
tow
towards
organizing my experiences
into a progression of events.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-09-23T14:08:00

2009-09-23T19:09:45Z

i just had a bizarre crisis
cried uncontrollably for about 60 seconds
tore my toe straps off and flipped my
rear rim
fixed gear
fixed gear
fixed gear

i hate doctors

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-09-22T20:59:00

2009-09-23T02:15:31Z

everything is shattering around me

are you the ocean?
are you the oatmeal container my mother
filled with warm water when she washed
my hair
in the sink
in the upstairs-bathroom?
are you the
heavy darkness in the corners
of the bedroom?

nothing i can say can ever

and nothing you can say can ever

everything i try to hold in my hands
shatters and when i stoop to look
at the shards, the shards shatter,
on and on and on and on, forever.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-09-10T16:23:00

2009-09-10T21:30:15Z

boring! and
stupid!

now,
all i want is to
want something.

all i want is to stop wanting to stop wanting things!!!

2009-08-23T02:23:43Z

isn't it
mind-boggling
that
however lovely and honest and ugly
and brave and true and
senseless and graceful and
gorgeous and
terrible
it is to
feel longing,

desire will always
be tied to the
stupid illusion of
potential resolution?

either there's no such thing as completion
or everything is already complete

but if we were able to really believe this
wouldn't everything be lost?

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-08-19T19:55:00

2009-08-20T00:58:43Z

blah blah blah
torment!! poetry!! beauty!! pain!! theory!!
blah blah blah

ohbabybabybaby @ 2009-03-27T18:12:00

2009-03-27T23:12:29Z

BANG!

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-07-28T22:05:00

2008-07-29T03:16:04Z

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ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-07-06T06:30:00

2008-07-06T11:31:25Z

oh lord.
i need a break.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-07-05T17:12:00

2008-07-05T22:13:11Z

i'm really happy right now,
it's fucking weird.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-06-18T16:16:00

2008-06-18T21:18:07Z

overwhelmed by deranged affection!
(for my happy-bird and everybody else)

eating a broiled cheese and tomato sandwich!

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-06-09T18:51:00

2008-06-10T00:01:51Z

Yesterday I had a really good dinner.
Salmon, a little macaroni and cheese, asparagus, and some decent bread.

I adjusted my bicycle seat.
I can't believe how much easier it is to ride.

I fucking hate Murakami.
I don't know why I keep buying his books.

On the bright side,
if I continue reading at my current pace
I should be through the novel by tomorrow
and able to start something decent.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-05-18T23:35:00

2008-05-19T04:38:28Z

i'm so lonely.
tempted to relapse into
creepy
present-making
tendencies.

i don't think this
has anything to do with
my actual life.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-05-14T15:05:00

2008-05-14T20:05:19Z

omg

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-05-06T23:38:00

2008-05-07T04:48:45Z

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-04-07T00:00:00

2008-04-07T05:02:05Z

This weekend was perfect.
But I feel even more lost.

I think a lot about slaughter house 5.
I feel like I've come unstuck in everything.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-01-17T22:15:00

2008-01-18T04:15:42Z

Our figure drawing model today was hott.

If you've ever taken figure drawing classes
you will know
that never ever ever ever ever ever happens.

When she took her robe off I wanted to cry, for some reason.

And then I thought: stop being such a fag.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-01-15T23:41:00

2008-01-16T05:57:54Z

The cycle of drinking-up
and drying-out
and drinking-up
and drying-out was
wearing me out completely.

My workday today was such a blessing and
running at the YMCA was a blessing and
drawing at COD, shaking with hunger, was a blessing,
and after that, dinner was an enormous blessing.

Things are looking up.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2008-01-09T18:49:00

2008-01-10T01:00:42Z

I just want to be left alone.

(sort of.
sort of
sort of
sort of
sort of
sort of
sort of)

I keep trying to run away someplace safe but it's all equally depraved.

patriarchy patriarchy brothel patriarchy

2008-01-01T22:22:17Z

For New Years Eve I took a shower and washed some laundry and watched The Life Aquatic. My room mates brought the television out of their bedroom and showed me how to operate it. I couldn't really hear anything over their party-ruckus, but that was okay because I mostly like the way everything in that film looks like it's bathed in light.
After that I wrote some things down, and I read for a little bit.

At first I was furious about working at 7 am on new years day, but it was pretty nice to be clean and quiet for a little while.

What an arbitrary turning point.
I haven't mucked it up yet.
I guess I ought to turn a new leaf and purge myself of last years debauchery.

i finally remembered the song called "clown town"

2007-12-31T22:57:08Z

Up and down through what you thought would be your future,
became the dark reminder of what a rash and inconsistent faith you had,
in loving your true self and your true love.

Clown town, no shelter
Clown town, no anything
Clown town, single angel
Clown town, no exit.

Your true father smashed his hands through the glass
and failed out of the privileged life of his dream.
Your true love has become weak and alone and annoying, and a true ridiculous dumb-ass.

Clown town, revealing nothing.
Clown town, a flock of coots.
Clown town, a single angel.
Clown town, a big dumb kid.
Clown town, no shelter.
Clown town, no anything.
Clown town, a single beauty.

Clown town, no exit.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2007-12-26T22:32:00

2007-12-27T04:55:24Z

Christmas was alright. Lots of rich food and red wine. By the time we got to my aunt's house she was rager-waster with her face halfway in the oven, yelling, "Alright, somebody order a pizza!"   Later, she collapsed on the couch between Heather and I- giggling, "Yeah... I'm overserved... I mean.... I overserved myself... of course... Grandpa Tom is here."

For his part, Grandpa Tom had decided to be especially magnanimous and bought personalized gifts for each of us. A few were wrapped, but most of them were just stuffed into plastic bags with 10s and 20s floating around. He grumbled impatiently and flung each gift at its recipient with an air of immense disgust. I watched my relatives snicker and turn away as they unveiled stained thrift store blazers and chipped bookends.

"Alright alright," says Grandpa, "I love you guys."

My jewel-bag contained a genuine Toby Keith cowboy hat.   Brand new, with a tag picturing the man himself. "Actually, that's a really fun look on you, Audrey."   My aunt said, from the bottom of her kuhlua-drowned heart.

Nobody in the Kouros family is particularly devout, so we allowed Thomas to say grace.   This is Thomas' grace:
"Dear God. Thank you for the food and for everybody here and for... Hi God! How ya doin' God!? How are ya, God!? Hi God!" Until somebody cut him off- "Okay, thanks Thomas, everybody, lets eat."

After dinner we sat around scratching off lottery tickets for awhile, but nobody won big. My Uncle had a whole box of them and kept convincing us to trade him our two dollar winners for more tickets. He'd forgotten to bring me a present so he slipped me a handshake-twenty.

Unrelated... Today I thought: It's probably silly and useless for me to be angry at anybody. If I respect someone enough to justify such strong emotion- I ought to respect their judgment, as well. How can I understand anybody else's system of logic? Surely they can choose what makes sense in their own life much better than I can.

That was a relief- it gave me a little better footing.

What I'm still struggling with is the way my life seems so clearly saturated with symbols and prophesies, numinous things.   I know they're all coming from inside my own mind but... what is it, then... that shiver of recognition I sometimes feel when reading? Maybe we all have more in common than I suspect... writers delve so far into their own minds. It seems, in order to write a novel... a person must descend into insanity... into absolute self-absorbtion... and they somehow bring back things that are universally relevant. How can that be?   I have so much respect for writers, if it's difficult for me to differentiate between reality and my own fantasies... it must be a terrible burden to bare... submerging oneself completely in that other world.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2007-12-22T19:38:00

2007-12-23T02:15:39Z

oh, i don't know.
i keep thinking about getting a pointless haircut just so that i can
be around other women in a
non-judgemental
non-sexual
setting.

fucking weirdo

i need a new plan, this isn't working.
i need a new life.

(i've lost the abuility to differentiate between friends and foes
coincidentally, i've also lost the abuility to differentiate between bros and hos.)

a lot of the time, i feel like i'm just hanging out waiting to go all-the-way insane.
i keep trying to ask for help, but i guess i don't really know how.

yeah.
i can build my own machines,
but they're starting to look a lot like weapons.

ohbabybabybaby @ 2007-12-15T20:45:00

2007-12-16T02:46:54Z

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