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[30 Sep 2009|02:38pm] |
I really want to fall sobbing into the arms of doctor hilarius when he tells oepida, in reference to her troubling fantasy:
"Cherish it!... what else do any of you have? Hold it tightly be its little tentacle, don't let the freudians coax it away or the pharmacists poison it out of you. Whatever is is, hold it dear, for when you lose it you go over by that much to the others. You begin to cease to be."
but nobody can ever say anything, really. REALLY.
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[25 Sep 2009|02:30pm] |
i keep writing:
when you touch me,
you drive all the terror from my body.
and then
crossing it out
and then writing it again.
which is appropriate
i guess
since all i think about is
how best to fight the
tow
towards
organizing my experiences
into a progression of events.
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[23 Sep 2009|02:08pm] |
i just had a bizarre crisis
cried uncontrollably for about 60 seconds
tore my toe straps off and flipped my
rear rim
fixed gear
fixed gear
fixed gear
i hate doctors
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[22 Sep 2009|08:59pm] |
everything is shattering around me
are you the ocean?
are you the oatmeal container my mother
filled with warm water when she washed
my hair
in the sink
in the upstairs-bathroom?
are you the
heavy darkness in the corners
of the bedroom?
nothing i can say can ever
and nothing you can say can ever
everything i try to hold in my hands
shatters and when i stoop to look
at the shards, the shards shatter,
on and on and on and on, forever.
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[10 Sep 2009|04:23pm] |
boring! and
stupid!
now,
all i want is to
want something.
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| all i want is to stop wanting to stop wanting things!!! |
[22 Aug 2009|09:12pm] |
isn't it
mind-boggling
that
however lovely and honest and ugly
and brave and true and
senseless and graceful and
gorgeous and
terrible
it is to
feel longing,
desire will always
be tied to the
stupid illusion of
potential resolution?
either there's no such thing as completion
or everything is already complete
but if we were able to really believe this
wouldn't everything be lost?
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[19 Aug 2009|07:55pm] |
blah blah blah
torment!! poetry!! beauty!! pain!! theory!!
blah blah blah
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[27 Mar 2009|06:12pm] |
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BANG!
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[28 Jul 2008|10:05pm] |
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[06 Jul 2008|06:30am] |
oh lord.
i need a break.
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[05 Jul 2008|05:12pm] |
i'm really happy right now,
it's fucking weird.
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[18 Jun 2008|04:16pm] |
overwhelmed by deranged affection!
(for my happy-bird and everybody else)
eating a broiled cheese and tomato sandwich!
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[09 Jun 2008|06:51pm] |
Yesterday I had a really good dinner.
Salmon, a little macaroni and cheese, asparagus, and some decent bread.
I adjusted my bicycle seat.
I can't believe how much easier it is to ride.
I fucking hate Murakami.
I don't know why I keep buying his books.
On the bright side,
if I continue reading at my current pace
I should be through the novel by tomorrow
and able to start something decent.
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[18 May 2008|11:35pm] |
i'm so lonely.
tempted to relapse into
creepy
present-making
tendencies.
i don't think this
has anything to do with
my actual life.
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[14 May 2008|03:05pm] |
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omg
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[06 May 2008|11:38pm] |
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
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[07 Apr 2008|12:00am] |
This weekend was perfect.
But I feel even more lost.
I think a lot about slaughter house 5.
I feel like I've come unstuck in everything.
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[17 Jan 2008|10:15pm] |
Our figure drawing model today was hott.
If you've ever taken figure drawing classes
you will know
that never ever ever ever ever ever happens.
When she took her robe off I wanted to cry, for some reason.
And then I thought: stop being such a fag.
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[15 Jan 2008|11:41pm] |
The cycle of drinking-up
and drying-out
and drinking-up
and drying-out was
wearing me out completely.
My workday today was such a blessing and
running at the YMCA was a blessing and
drawing at COD, shaking with hunger, was a blessing,
and after that, dinner was an enormous blessing.
Things are looking up.
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[09 Jan 2008|06:49pm] |
I just want to be left alone.
(sort of.
sort of
sort of
sort of
sort of
sort of
sort of)
I keep trying to run away someplace safe but it's all equally depraved.
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